Food for thought...

So these are just a few things that i've noticed lately, have been pointed out to me, have made me smile, and have made me really think.

When I have nothing better to do..which seems more often than ever lately...I find myself stumbling. Sometimes I think that website knows me personally..more than the random topics I chose.
A day or two ago I stumbled upon this quote:

"find someone that can make you smile and don't give up on them"

My friends are constantly telling me to protect my heart and make sure I don't let him hurt me anymore and I always say that I won't and I'll stand up for myself, but for some reason I find myself trying harder to get closer to him and give him the chance to break my heart again. I feel like if I let go i'm giving up and I don't give up. This quote is exactly how I feel..not only about a guy but about everything that comes my way.

Everyone deserves another chance...right?

This was pointed out to me yesterday,

Something humans take for granted on a daily basis...

Air - every breath we take is taken with nothing given in return. Without getting scientific or religious, I don't know who gives us the air we breath but whoever does, Thank you.

As I was driving home from who knows where the other day, I was blaring my new/old kings of leon CD and thinking about things..about everything.

Something that really stood out to me was the topic of trust. Anyone can say they don't trust easily or "it takes a lot to earn trust"...

When I was sitting in the turn lane waiting for the light to turn green I thought "What exactly is keeping that car on the other side of the intersection from going straight instead of turning?" That car could come barreling into me while i'm just minding my own business. Why am I not concerned about that at all? I assume that person passed the driving test with flying colors and there is no way that will happen. I trust a perfect stranger with my life. Same thing goes for the bus driver in elementary school or even now with public transportation...feel free to think this is just a weird rant but do me a favor and think about this next time you tell someone you don't trust easily. Everyone trusts without even realizing it.

That's all.

Mass Confusion

As I lay here on my half deflated air mattress I am feling very mixed up inside. I'm feeling 1000 different emotions all at once and none of them are standing out more than another. All of my friends are leaving in a few days or have already left to go back to college and it's just now hitting me that i'm not going with them. I don't think I belong in Grand Junction at all but I can't help but feel like i'm going to miss out of so much when i'm not there this year. Cosmetology school feels like the best choice for me but I won't get that college experience that I always wanted. On top of that, i've recently been forced into the real world completely. I'm living "on my own" essentially. Renting a room in my brothers basement but I still have to buy my own food and toilet paper and pay him every month just like a landlord. And if I can handle one more thing to deal with, I'm having the worst boy troubles i've ever had. All I want that might answer all of my questions is for him to want to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I've never had this feeling in my gut before but i can't help but feel like it means something. It doesn't mean i'm supposed to just lay here and let him walk away but he wants me to. The past few weeks and years to come are going to be a tough road but hopefully i'll be alright in the end. I want everything to work out. Everything WILL work out.

Because I know there will be questions...

I am no longer in a relationship...whatever that means. No matter how naive and immature it may seem, my relationship of less than two weeks is no longer. Even though I was not/am not in love with him I am still more hurt than I have ever been in my life. And this time I mean that. I am past the point of tears. I spent an hour in a steaming hot bubble bath and that was still not enough time to soak the pain away or bring the feeling back to my limbs. I have cried away any emotion that i had left. One of the only sources of happiness in my life is gone. The smile that has been stuck on my face for the past two weeks has faded to an unpleasant frown. But how could I not see this coming? I feel like I was stupid for letting myself believe that pure joy every second of every day would last longer than this. But honestly..if all he needs is some time to realize that I really do make him happy..then my arms are open. Because I can't be that girl that says now or never when I care about him this much. I don't think we were brought to eachother for a two week fling..I honestly feel like it is meant to be a lot longer, but only time will tell.

Jitters

As I lay in my extra long twin sized bed for the second to last time, I finally start to realize how comfy it really is. I can stretch out my limbs at the risk of my feet dangling over the edge, but they never do,

This first year of college has been an emotional roller coaster for me. However, being a girl, what isn't?
There have been many tears shed and even more laughs shared. Apparently the tears shed left a stronger imprint in my memory because I will not be returning here in the fall. Nonetheless, I have had some great times here, but it was never what I had hoped and expected it to be. Note: if you are planning to attend a school far away from home, make sure you visit the town it is in more than two weekend trips in your entire life. Otherwise you'll end up like me, realizing far to late in the game that Grand Junction, Co SUCKS. Unless you are physically cabable to/enjoy to climb mountains every weekend then you have no business here.

That reminds me...My ankle is still not functioning correctly so more likely than not my welcome home gift will be yet another surgery. Fourth time's a charm...right?

Today I am withdrawing from MSC. I am rather shaky in my decision making right now. I love it here. I hate it here. I love it here. I HATE it here. I LOVE IT HERE! I HATE IT HERE!.......I uhmm.....I don't know.

I am going to miss Kelsey so much when she comes back here and I don't I can feel it already. Going to college with my best friend was awesome. Being three hours apart from her when I really need her is going to be hard. Very hard.

This blog post is already turning into a pros and cons list so you can see how uneasy I am feeling.

Two more days...

Creative photos by Chema Madoz

Creative photos by Chema Madoz

A secret isn't a secret if you tell it..

I've realized it's very hard for me to keep secrets.

I have a feeling in my gut that absolutely refuses to go away until I let everyone I know in on it.

Recently I told Kelsey something that was really starting to get to me.

I wasn't sure how she would take it but to my relief she took it very well.

It's always good to have a friend that can take shocking news well.

Although, apparently it wasn't very shocking to her.

Anyway, the pain is gone and i'm living worry free as of right now.

While i'm at it, I should say that I don't intend for the purpose of this blog to be my way of filling the whole world in on my problems/thoughts. However, it's better than using facebook for that because literally the whole world can see what is written on facebook. I know there are not as many people looking at blogger.com which is why I feel like it's okay to vent on here.

Here's a little something I enjoy:

the lazy song by bruno mars

His tone is wonderful even if his lyrics are iffy.

Just a few of my favorites right now...

Two total cuties :)

whatever you like by anya marina (cover)

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the little things i notice

As I sit in my three hour English composition class I realize that there are very pretty trees just outside the window with tiny little pink and red flowers covering the branches. I turn on the Florence and the machine Pandora station to drown out my professor and his monotonous babbling about topics that are entirely unrelated to the lesson. I am mysteriously peeling on my right forearm however, I don't remember ever getting a sunburn there. I drew a picture in my notebook a few classes ago and I can still see the outline of it ten pages later. Pink Sharpie marks. I need to use the restroom but because my professor notices a dust bunny out of place, I'll hold it. Pause. I heard a song that I am really liking. A cover of whatever you like by Anya Marina. I bookmarked it to download later. Which reminds me, I need to make a mix CD for mine and Kelsey's trip home this weekend. Hopefully this will remind me to remind myself to do that. I tend to forget to remember things. The kid sitting next to me just flat out stole my favorite purple clicky pen from the hookah lounge. I miss going to the lounge. Maybe next Wednesday we will be able to stop by there. Money is tight lately. Which, ironically is part of the reason I almost quit my job yesterday. Working four frustrating hours is in no way satisfying. In the way that I leave work upset every day that I work and I don't even make enough money to drive to and from work. I keep telling myself: only three weeks left. In three weeks I will miss: Sara, Morgan, Em and Freida, Jack, Ben and Ruth, and missing home. Yes, I will miss missing home. Next weekend I am taking a trip to Moab, Utah to go on the first camping trip of the year with Kelsey, Becca, Zack and Josh. All good friends. Pause. I heard another good song. I realize I've written a lot and I could go on all day. But my elbows are falling asleep.

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Mr. Jack Merrit

I cleaned his room the other day at work and he gave me this loaf! Keep in mind he is a legit hoarder and should be on the show. As he handed me the loaf with a smile he says "I bought this yesterday so it should still be deliciously tasty and delightful!" I have decided jack is my new favorite resident.

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paper thin

I wake up to immature people running around the halls chasing eachother and screaming and slamming doors at least 3 times a week. This morning i woke up to my neighbor and her boyfriend screaming at eachother. Its so clear that i could probably join in the fight. Apparently their business is not so private to them. Nobody realizes exactly how thin these walls are. I mean the walls don't even go all the way to the ceiling! As i write this the couple is still fighting and it sounds like she cheated on him but only for forty five minutes so it doesnt count. Oh boy. Dorm life is not all its cracked up to be at all. 28 days.

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Cover of ET by Katy Perry

Her voice is so cool.

If you're looking for a good laugh...

yay!

Aced that puppy!

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Rated R for foul language.

Hoarders

As I sit on my dorm room floor, surrounded by mounds of clothes, watching the T.V. show "Extreme Hoarders," I realize that I, myself, could be classified as the beginnings of a hoarder. Granted, I do have a place for all of my things but the amount of clothes I have that I don't wear but once a year is ridiculous. Packing them away is taking forever and I can't help but get overwelmed. I can only imagine what moving an entire house full of stuff would feel like. (Thank you mom and dad for not moving us around a lot) I do think it's a great idea that I'm taking a lot of my things back to my parents house because it will make the last day of school a lot less stressfull. Also going down again Easter weekend would be a good time to take more things down.

On a lighter note, Kelsey and I had a really good night tonight. We went to the hookah lounge and hung out for a while while she worked on her french powerpoint. I love going there because it has the best atmosphere and the people that work there are the greatest. They actually sit down and take the time to get to know their frequent customers. After hookah we drove home with Ryan (Kelsey's new beau) on speakerphone. He filled us in on some of the new high school drama that we realized we have not missed at all.

I am very excited to move back home in a little more than a month. I'm excited to be relieved of the anxious feeling I have had quite frequenly up here. I couldn't tell you exactly what I'm anxious about, but I could say it may be part of the cause of my insomnia.

That's all for now. Over and out.

It's crazy to think...

...in 38 days my first year of college will be over.
...in 53 days I will be a high school graduate for one year.
...in about four months I will be [fingers crossed] moving into an apartment of my own.
...how easy it is to filter out all the bad in your life just by moving to a new place for a year.
...how ready I am to be back in Westminster where I think I belong, for the time being at least.
...how many people I talked to in high school that haven't spoken a word to me since graduation.
...that the best time I've had in GJ has been in the last few weeks.
...how much I honestly miss my family and friends.
...what life will be like after college is over.

The tip of the tongue and the lips...

Movie Review: Black Swan

EW.

On a gloomy day...

I lay in bed all day and look at pictures from last night with sara, becca and kels.

These brought a little more sunshine to my day.

Muffins!

This is for Becca.

Tonight, after Becca and I dropped Kelsey off at work we had a date at Fiesta Guadalahara followed by a lovely stroll in the mall. I love her. After I finished my not so great chicken burrito I looked up to see her dancing in her chair to the mexican music playing in the background. We laughed for a good five minutes about that.

GOOD DAY.

Friday

Whoever thought this song waas a good idea is clearly deaf..or in the 6th grade.

I like this version better...

Dinos

I decided that I am very very interested in Dinosaurs since I started my class all about them. It's just so cool learning about animals that walked this planet before us. I find myself watching cartoon dinosaur movies and pointing out things that are accurate or not so much.

home by edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros

A cover of the song i've been singing in my head over and over for the past week.

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why

I may have titled this blog something not completely accurate to how i feel. I have a mild undiagnosed case of insomnia and i just can't seem to kick it. So, contrary to what the title seems to state, i am weak. I would give anything to be able to fall asleep on my own, with no outside support (aka tylenol pm, or my new found favorite drink called neuro sleep), around 10pm and wake up around 9am. You would think that would be reasonable, right? However the way my brain works i fall asleep, unassisted, around 4am (no matter how exhausted i am) and when i wake up depends as well. If i'm not disturbed i can easily sleep untill 3pm but if i am woken up early then i am up.

So i guess this means that sleep is for the weak and i am weak. Which is kind of ironic, i think.

Not sleeping gives me a lot of extra alone time to think. That is why i created this blog. To share those thoughts with you. As well as funny videos and good music.

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